Up until today, I have been trying to figure out why The Most High put this phrase into my spirit. Now that I have been shown. I am extremely glad that HE did.
Maybe there was an immense struggle for understanding; because I did not have a clue of the fact that I was lost. In so many ways, this fact has proven to be true.
I was wrong, out of line, pissed off, dilapidated and doing my own thing. YAH was always present though. I was kicking and screaming trying to hold on to what I thought was me being free. I didn’t want the rules to tie me down. I had just started to live. Graduating was life changing for me. I could do my own thing; be it as it may good or bad.
I was grown Period.
Yah knows that I have made so many mistakes. Still though, I was always a sweet girl, caring, and loved to help. Don’t get me wrong though, if I felt like it, I would be quick to jump on you. (This is what landed me in a bed at Evans Memorial Hospital with 32 staples stretching the length of my left tricep. Along with about 30 not so sexy stitches from the right side of my nose to the middle of my right ear.) Strangely enough I didn’t do anything to provoke this fight. Except, embarrass someone verbally. Being the one not beat was cool. Until, I took a box cutter as my reward.
It was YAH’s grace that saved my eye, ear, veins, and arm. I was foolishishly sinful, and YAH slowed me to a screeching halt. Homecoming Queen, Prom Queen, Super Slugger award, and softball scholarship; I left it all behind.
My face, my award winning catching and batting arm; split open. Much like those slow ripping lashes adorned with Massa’s hatred. But for what? She scarred my Me for 10 whole years. All that I thought I was. I could find no more.
Nostalgic memories remind me that I have always loved deeper than the average person. I always asked what was. From as far back as I can remember, maybe about the age of one or two. I have loved and understood much about love. Along with the things it can do. I just wish that my childish patience would’ve been in tuned with the Ru’aah.
So I watched and did my best to absorb facts and truth. This behavior profoundly fastened me to things. Teaching me that to know, is to love; is much more than true.
With growing up came heartache, degradation, scandel, rape, neglect, assault, and even a few acts of whoredom. Which ended up embedded deeply some place inside of me. I had no clue. There is where my lawlessness was known and grew.
I was lost. I was wrong. I needed someone to find me. Eye needed to find me.
Strangly, Facebook 2014 invoked an interesting overture in my life. Initially, there was a friend request. Being freshly uninvolved; but single none the less. I responded. Therefore, unearthing the proem of the most superlative dialogue that I had ever had with a man.
I met my now husband, and He introduced to me what is,”Truth”. This Truth led me to where I had come from. It led me to the Scriptures. Presenting the Hebrew origins of me. We became best friends.
Whenever my phone was ringing it was Him. Just because. Thankfully distance forced us to be friends. YAH set boundaries for us. HalleluYah! Todah YAH!
Little did I know that we were on the same journey. ABBA had sent Him to find me. My Adon.
Me knowing this now. My mind is instantly transported to a few years ago; back home. My last time sitting on the porch of the only best friend that I had ever had. Sharing with my brother from the bottle of E&J in hand; blunt in rotation.
At one point, I couldn’t help questioning, for what may have been the 5th time; if my current relationship was for me.
I prayed, “GOD(YAH), “Is this relationship for me?”.
YAH knew that I yearned to marry a man who would first be my best friend. (The idea arose from the movie “No Strings Attached”.) Someone made only for me ordained by HIM.
YAH’s answer was SO clear and quick; might I add. Yet, I reluctantly lingered a while longer. I think that it was because I was tired of attempting to be freed. This insane pattern of disobedient cognitive dissonance; was almost the end of me. Therefore, the whole of 2015 held lots of degrading drunken heartache for me.
I had hit rock bottom, and my real best friend was no longer associating with me. (I got back with my ex. So He cut ties with me. To not hinder mine and my ex’s already dead series of interactions.)
I found myself living in a motel room in my hometown. Drinking my life away. I started school again. Had to quit. My love life was in shambles and it had become excruciatingly toxic for me. Not that I was a drunk, but I was well on my way there.
I remember sitting on the bed praying at my lowest. A bottle of cheap gin, impregnated with marinated blue jolly ranchers gripped tight.
“Lord(Master) Jesus(Yahawasha’), why am I here? Who am I?”, I wept.
“There has to be something better for me.”, I spoke in complete despair.
I don’t want to do this anymooore.”, I cried kicking my feet; slapping the bed. I sat slumped sulking and bawling into my hands.
I cried y’all and no one was there but YAHAWAH WA YAHAWASHA’ and THE RUACH HAQODESH.
“You just take over.”, I spoke allowed.
I could no longer bridle my tears that had manifested from an over-growth of nothingness.
I spoke to YAH, “My hands are off of my life. I am tired of going through these things. Please help me. Please just take it all away. I’m sooooo sorry. I will do better. I just want to be right.”
Finally my heart was emptied. My voice was heard. I went through the biggest change of my life in that room that day. It was hard facing the fact that, I was the once resigning champ. Shamed and brought low in my city on the forefront forall to hear and see. I was also, seemingly stuck here with this man and he didn’t even want me.
Truthfully, I’d known this for two years at least. I just couldn’t help being always a slave to my past. A mistake that almost cost me my life.
I was ignorant to the fact that in that motel room; YAH had nudged me onto the path to being found. I didn’t realize that HE had already introduced my deliverance to me. In more ways than one.
YAH had someone whom I needed to get to know and someone whom I needed to formally meet.
Thanks for listening y’all. There’s more to come. I pray that you indulge, learn, and vibe with We.
KARDAYAH’S Soul© 2018
Feel free to buy me a cup of tea. Todah for all of the already donated blessings. CASHTAG: $KARDAYAH3205