Coconut oil filled palms rubbing across your intriguing face. Down my nose. Up my forehead. Up your right then left cheek bones. Two hands on a healing mission. Smooth my neck up to your chin. Then again.
Shâlôwm, Kardayah. I’m pleased to meet you. I love you. You’re a millionaire. Abba YAH loves you.
Coconut oil dipped hands graze your thick, ruddy, sin wage scarred arm. Then the other all the same. We’ve come a long way Sweetie. Oh, the enseighnements(oonsainyemoon) we are baruch to have withstood. But now I’m good.
I apologize for my bad choices. I apologize for hurting you. Todah YAH for making me beautifully. Kardayah, you will win. No matter what YAH has your back.
Eyes of power stare back at me. Nutella has nothing on you. I never thought that such innocence would exist in my secret space. Yet, you’re here and I remember you.
Humbly holding my attention. I can more fearlessly see you now. While I’m sober. While you deliberately stand forth. Wearing a haunting gaze that at times makes me smile. I behold the embrace of my reality. There is only you. Inside Abba’s ru’aah is sustaining we.
You are a successful business woman. You deserve prosperity. You are the image of HE who IS. You have the right to have it all. You are a child of Elohim. You will never be alone again. Because I see you. I feel your presence. You are my me. I love you.
Coconut oil coated hands caress your comely face. Down my speckled nose; smoothing up and out my two toned brow. Lovingly they sweep outward and upward; somewhat mesmerized. Finding their way to freckle specked cheeks; from bonny, deep brown lips of the sweetest kind.
I have shâlôwm, peace, and tranquility in my home. You are an example of quodesh. I forgive everyone who has ever tresspassed against me. I ask that I am forgiven by those whom I have hurt. I release and receive release. YAH is pleased with you.
Simply put, you are beautiful. How could a girl ask for more? RED, Dirty Red. A title from long ago.
I call you Yellow.
Yellow, the only color that brings exceeding Joy to this homely soul of mine. I still love you. You are my first love. For you I live; new life.
In your honor, I will say the words that are needed to heal all wounds. Materializing in women and girls from lashes undeserved. The ones who are afraid to utter what is true.
I will speak out for you.
In the dark rooms. I will shine my ru’aah’s light. I will be free. I will be Me.
How could I not shine? Abba made you my ‘Êm(Aim). My Mama. My voice of understanding. Cut from a cloth produced no more. He designated you for greatness and Greatness you are.
In a league of your own. You stand boldly. A mastermind you are to me. You are the breaker of codes. You are the sower of my passion for puzzles planted in mental trenches so deep.
Through you, I have ingested the most complex solutions one could seek to find. You showed me how to love the motion that words display. You taught me to look and quickly find.
I have gladly learned to interpret the languages that numbers often speak. You have encouraged your pretty little girl. You made me feel free. You’ve encouraged my courage. To be Me.
You have given me a gift of mystifying proportions. Not much goes unknown by me. I can see. A gift shared by we three. My soul is deeply engulfed in deviation.
It vibrates Yellow to me.
Todah, for hauling so much torment. While looking so fine. For having all my babies and exuding pure grind. With ease.
You shine Yellow.
Even when they spat on your name. To call you, “Mother”. I was eagerly pleased. Your voice is heard when I speak. Your encouragement urged me to be free. Even though they envy me.
Because they see Yellow.
Todah rabah, for teaching me to always sing. To always lift Abba YAH on high. To never step out on the word. To always follow Yahawasha’. To Shema to the Ruach Ha Quodesh. And TO BE FREE. TO BE ME.
So now I sing. I teach. I lead. I seek. I pray. I conquer. I am strong. Ms. Smith made me this way. They knew it all along.
We were Yellow.
Now I understand that I’m beautiful. Because of you I can see. I’m on a mission to save my people. I’m fighting to teach family. I was on a search for the truth you see?!
Yah said it would set me free. So HIS will I started to seek. Without you I would have never had the proficiency. To even walk this effective journey. I thank Abba Yah for you Sweet Lady. For your role in my story. I’ll tell.
From the front yard cinema barbeques to sheer feelings royal. Spotlight casting birthday parties in beautifully elegant gowns. To the most informative sleep overs. With so much more than just laughs.
We listened. We were warned. We learned about life. We were shamelessly informed. We had fun. And you gave us that.
We were free. To be young ladies. We learned innocently. You have guided us toward higher roads. You did not allow the world to swallow us remorselessly. You have raised lovely ladies.
We shine Yellow inherently.
Before, I saw you. I saw your crying shame. I made due with vengeance and nightmares. Accompanied by worrisome days. Inside of my tiny heart. I sowed seeds of confused rage. For the times that they had ravaged you; My Priceless Work Of Art. The curses they wear run past pain.
Black bruised you Yellow.
I loved you. I saw her change. I saw Yellow hide in Red. A magnetic being crouched behind that bruised ru’aah and a swollen smile. Todah YAH for your brighter days! I’m amazed at your inner lights power.
Yellow you shine indefinitely.
You have spared me the vexation; of offering me to the streets. Your naive simple child. Oh so green. Missing so much. Yet, filled with so much grace. In a world not built on love.
See Yellow? Love edifys me.
You have rewarded me. With the prescription that I would need. To see Yahawasha’. He is Truth and He will set Me free. You can definately trust me. This is not a lie.
I know one day soon, Abba’s will, you and all others will see. How Kardayah was blessed by ABBA YAH to have Yellow, imbibed in her being.
How she so vibrantly nurtured Kardayah’s little soul. Teaching Kardayah to be free. How her passion for black sparked life for Kardayah. Oh, just wait and you’ll see.
Your little song bird with country bare feet. Will stomp out devilish defeat. Enemies lie humbled at my foot stool. At my table they’ll want to be. I know your dream. And I got you. You can trust me. It is all going to be free.
Your payment; provided by our ABBA. For faithfully anointing me. Therefore allowing me to stay free. You stayed proud of your baby. You are a supporting factor. Not just the dreamer of dreams.
You poured more yellow into me.
Yellow, I love you. With dainty flurries of warm feelings. They congregate in my chest happily. I think they love you too.
Yellow, I’ve wished lots of things for you. I have weeped wanting so much for you.
Freedom to pursue.
I pray that one day you will too be healed. To facilely live. To yet learn. How to be free. For YAH’S glory.
I am sorry that I have hurt you. I regret even making you cry. If I’ve slandered your name; or taken your place. If I have told you a lie. If you feel that I have beat you up or stepped on your toes. You should know that my intentions were pure.
If I’ve ever shown you jealousy. If I’ve exhibited too much pride. I sincerely apologize.
If i was a nuisance in anyway; just know I’ve come in peace. Not bearing gifts. What a shame. I know. I truly am sorry.
If I didn’t spend enough time. If I have pulled away just when you needed me. If I ate it all and saved you none. If I made the better choice for me. I’m sorry.
I just know that when I say, I love you. Yes, I really do. I pray that your pain will be fair. Taking the backseat to the growth that I seek.
You see? I may not stick to your plan. I may step outside of the lines. Guess what! I’m working on me now. Of this you should be proud.
I just need you to know that I’m in love with this chick. She makes me glow when she comes around. So it’s hard to focus on you. No offense.
Please don’t feel down. She is just simply fascinating! I know how bad it sounds my friend. She has an immense hold on me. Try to understand please.
This lady she makes me want to kick bad habits. She said that with my spirit; I should spend more time. She instills a certain peace in me. She really makes me smile.
I don’t mean to be so distant; trust I do miss you. And I’m sorry.
Yesterday, I was standing in the sun light; it lit up the clearest sky. I’m drawing wisdom from the cosmos. I’m planning an escape. Trying to master my craft. I’m learning how and when I should put my magic to use.
I am busy realizing that I could love almost anyone. I am accepting the fact that all love is not true. I’m learning what love is and how it resembles insanity. Iam learning to be true.
What you get out of it lies with you. I know it’s a long and fascinating journey. I’ve learned that sometimes parts of it have to be let go.
I know now that not everyone can handle. The storm that is Me. Not everyone will understand my words. Most times when they’re looking at my storm. They most likely don’t see Me.
Not everyone will break your heart and not everyone deserves the chance to. Not everyone will believe in my dreams. Not everyone breathes romance the way that we do. But I do and I’m sorry.
I’m sorry if leaving to find me has become a hindrance to you. Sorry to stand here with the audacity to put me before you.
Please fear not. For a time will come when I will arrive at the place that I long to be. I will feel complete within myself. There will be a difference that the world will see. You will see.
I will come back home and I will play my role. I will be the best friend that you ever did know. I’ll shower you with truth. I will walk you to the door.
Yet, you should know; my lovely loves. One thing will remain true. There is no way in this crumbling world! That I’m gonna lose She trying to stand by you. I am sorry.
Yah always drills the word into my being by layered confirmations. It’s so normal now that I can almost step into that zone just by thinking about HIM. Time slows way down.
Abba YAH allowed me to see HIM on Friday, March 15, 2019. It was amazing and insightful, fast and lingering, full and touchable, head leaning to the left side, lucid dreamy, and quiet. It was a lot of so much truth.
I was at my Auntie Moodie’s house sitting on the sofa. My husband was explaining to me the extent to which we have pissed YAH off. He was painting a comedic masterpiece for me of how Abba literally has turned HIS back on us(Yisra’el). Therefore further expounding on the fact that YAH himself is not answering our prayers. 99% of our prayers are not answered by YAH, but by Yahawasha’, other people, angels, or worst of all Hasatan. Which also happened to be congruent with our Perfect Prayer Shabbat lesson; lead by Moreh YoshiYahu of the ARK California.
However, he spoke of how YAH said that He was not dealing with us facing us, but as a father with his back turned to his child. He puts us back on the track when HE needs to. When we get really close to hurting ourselves. He may reach in and personally lend a hand. Then he turns his back once again. YAH is very busy y’all.
He continued by saying, that maybe we need a spanking so HE turns to do so. Sets us back uprightly; then He turns away again. Yes, HE loves us; but we have to be punished. We are HIS chosen people. Chosen above ALL other nations to be a set apart people. But Family, we really f-ed up. So therefore, Yahawasha’ is our coordinator via the Ruach Hakodesh. He has been given the heavens and the Earth.
As my master is talking, so many things start to flow through my mind. I was listening with stars in my eyes. Slightly because the most beautiful man that I have ever beheld; stood in front of me with biblical truth spewing out of his mouth.
The sun light forcing his golden brown eyes to shine almost like fire. They held me. My master. A strong master, his words like paint brush strokes; feeding me understanding. It was absolutely spellbinding to say the least.
We were vibrating so brightly that it was hard to stay sober. Today we enjoyed open doors and the breeze blowing our weary hearts to placid states. Life was in full bloom outside and the sun was shining for real; for the second time in what seems like weeks.
We stood on a different plain. Receiving a much stronger frequency. I felt blessed and giddied all at once. When my master exclaimed how he felt some of the same things. My being began to give YAH the praise and thanks.
Concomitantly, YAH was beginning to speaking to me within a powerful vision which had completely stopped the time. Please, allow me to elucidate.
I saw space it was huge, it was clear. Like being back home in Daisy; looking at the big black sky. Oddly, in this vision I did not feel like I was floating in space. I did feel as though I wasn’t sitting as low as I currently had been. I saw YAH standing there HIS back turned to me. I had been previously picturing HIM turning to spank me and shaking HIS finger in my direction. So once the vision of HIM had fully taken over. I had noticed that He was nearly completely turned from me; but still in motion. It felt like HE silently laughed as HE turned HIS back. My brain was in frozen mode, happy, and in awe. Yelling wait. I was questioning if I was seeing this. Feeling fear. Wait. What? Wait.
Next, I was lowered a little or maybe it was more like being pulled backward, diagonally, downward. Yet, I had hardly felt myself even move. I saw our king Yahawashi. Only his dark hands though. They were huge stretched forward orchestrating things on our behalf. It is like he was creating something or deciding where things would go. Suddenly I was moved again, bringing my focus now to a great line of messengers standing guard at what I am assuming was a gate. In no was am I implying that I saw any actual fence of gate. But by gate I mean something more along the lines of an entry way of sorts. One not seen with non-qodesh eyes. They were alive I don’t remember their faces. But their form was strong and huge. I vaguely remember them being armored. They were standing with arms folded. Some came and went; maybe two or three. Their images spoke volumes to me.
By this time I was so stunned. I was desperately trying to get back to YAH. My mind just started to grab frantically. I was looking for Yahawashi, while He did lingered a while longer. I found myself staring at messengers trying to put all of the pieces together from this life changing event.
Once I had made it back to my body, I noticed my husband in mid sentence. I couldn’t wait to tell him what had just taken place. I was calculating how to hold on to as much of this visual that I possibly could. Trying not to interrupt his speech. I was almost afraid to explain for fear of him thinking that I was exaggerating or not being able to See. But he did understand therefore he was able to experience a little of this miracle with me.
By the way, every since I first read of YAH walking past Moses allowing him to see HIS back. I was fascinated and wondered what it would be like. I don’t know if we saw the same thing, but I know what was shown to me. I was not close enough to touch HIM he was too far and too big. But I was up there. No heavy body to weigh me down. His form in front of me. I am grateful for HIM choosing me. I am grateful for him revealing to me the secrets of heaven and of HE himself.
So what did I get from this vision? Oh, quite a few things to be exact.
After my husband had heard my vision. He quickly started to connect the same dots as I had been putting together in the preceding precious seconds. YAH had shown me his chain of command. Revealing unto my being that HIS messengers are just that. They will tell on you. They will help to execute judgements upon us on earth. If you ask them; they will help you. They are on a mission to do the work of our Elohim. They are apart of HIS staff. Let us call them supervisors, or managers. Hasatan in his deceiving ways included. Being that he can only do what YAH wills him to do. Be it as it may YAH’s permissive versus HIS divine will. I realize the record in Job stood true. They move quickly and precisely. Protecting, fighting, showing, moving, placing, whispering, writing, shining, speaking, pointing, nudging us into the direction of YHWH’s will for us.
It was then sealed into my being that; no one, not one can go to the Abba except by the Son. Our master and king; Yahawashi was there in the beginning. For Him everything was made and by Him all things were made. He is the word manifested on Earth. He walked, talked and oozed Towrah. He is the literal image of Abba YAH on the earth. When the disciples asked to be shown Abba YAH. Our king was like these fools do not understand what I have been telling them. If you want to see HE then look at Me. Can you see? You need me to get to HE.
How can one believe in the Father without the son? With out Him how do you suppose you’ll get any justice from His Father? If you only believe in the old. How do you expect to receive the blessings promised and sealed by the fulfillment of the new? YOU WILL NOT BE GIVEN KEYS TO THE KINGDOM IF YOU CAN’T LEARN TO FOLLOW AND BELIEVE THE WORDS AND WORKS OF THE KING OF THE KINGDOM. So it is written and so I have been shown. So it shall be. HalleluYAH.
Lastly, I had realized that YAH has a chain of command just like all other chains of command. Not only are the messengers a huge part of this process, but so is the role of my dearly beloved. The word had already revealed to me that YAH is the head of all that could be considered as anything. I have learned that HIS son is the head of man. Leaving my master to be the head of my body and house. Making him a part of YAH’s chain of command for my life.
This stunning vision had clarified things for me in such a magnetic way. I saw my head standing there wearing all of the power bestowed upon him by YAH. I saw His being. I saw Him shine and I was pleased. I felt safety and calm knowing that this union was ordained by Abba YAH. He approved even if we still had a long way to go. Todah YAH for all that is of you, of your kingdom, and your way.
Up until today, I have been trying to figure out why The Most High put this phrase into my spirit. Now that I have been shown. I am extremely glad that HE did.
Maybe there was an immense struggle for understanding; because I did not have a clue of the fact that I was lost. In so many ways, this fact has proven to be true.
I was wrong, out of line, pissed off, dilapidated and doing my own thing. YAH was always present though. I was kicking and screaming trying to hold on to what I thought was me being free. I didn’t want the rules to tie me down. I had just started to live. Graduating was life changing for me. I could do my own thing; be it as it may good or bad.
I was grown Period.
Yah knows that I have made so many mistakes. Still though, I was always a sweet girl, caring, and loved to help. Don’t get me wrong though, if I felt like it, I would be quick to jump on you. (This is what landed me in a bed at Evans Memorial Hospital with 32 staples stretching the length of my left tricep. Along with about 30 not so sexy stitches from the right side of my nose to the middle of my right ear.) Strangely enough I didn’t do anything to provoke this fight. Except, embarrass someone verbally. Being the one not beat was cool. Until, I took a box cutter as my reward.
It was YAH’s grace that saved my eye, ear, veins, and arm. I was foolishishly sinful, and YAH slowed me to a screeching halt. Homecoming Queen, Prom Queen, Super Slugger award, and softball scholarship; I left it all behind.
My face, my award winning catching and batting arm; split open. Much like those slow ripping lashes adorned with Massa’s hatred. But for what? She scarred my Me for 10 whole years. All that I thought I was. I could find no more.
Nostalgic memories remind me that I have always loved deeper than the average person. I always asked what was. From as far back as I can remember, maybe about the age of one or two. I have loved and understood much about love. Along with the things it can do. I just wish that my childish patience would’ve been in tuned with the Ru’aah.
So I watched and did my best to absorb facts and truth. This behavior profoundly fastened me to things. Teaching me that to know, is to love; is much more than true.
With growing up came heartache, degradation, scandel, rape, neglect, assault, and even a few acts of whoredom. Which ended up embedded deeply some place inside of me. I had no clue. There is where my lawlessness was known and grew.
I was lost. I was wrong. I needed someone to find me. Eye needed to find me.
Strangly, Facebook 2014 invoked an interesting overture in my life. Initially, there was a friend request. Being freshly uninvolved; but single none the less. I responded. Therefore, unearthing the proem of the most superlative dialogue that I had ever had with a man.
I met my now husband, and He introduced to me what is,”Truth”. This Truth led me to where I had come from. It led me to the Scriptures. Presenting the Hebrew origins of me. We became best friends.
Whenever my phone was ringing it was Him. Just because. Thankfully distance forced us to be friends. YAH set boundaries for us. HalleluYah! Todah YAH!
Little did I know that we were on the same journey. ABBA had sent Him to find me. My Adon.
Me knowing this now. My mind is instantly transported to a few years ago; back home. My last time sitting on the porch of the only best friend that I had ever had. Sharing with my brother from the bottle of E&J in hand; blunt in rotation.
At one point, I couldn’t help questioning, for what may have been the 5th time; if my current relationship was for me.
I prayed, “GOD(YAH), “Is this relationship for me?”.
YAH knew that I yearned to marry a man who would first be my best friend. (The idea arose from the movie “No Strings Attached”.) Someone made only for me ordained by HIM.
YAH’s answer was SO clear and quick; might I add. Yet, I reluctantly lingered a while longer. I think that it was because I was tired of attempting to be freed. This insane pattern of disobedient cognitive dissonance; was almost the end of me. Therefore, the whole of 2015 held lots of degrading drunken heartache for me.
I had hit rock bottom, and my real best friend was no longer associating with me. (I got back with my ex. So He cut ties with me. To not hinder mine and my ex’s already dead series of interactions.)
I found myself living in a motel room in my hometown. Drinking my life away. I started school again. Had to quit. My love life was in shambles and it had become excruciatingly toxic for me. Not that I was a drunk, but I was well on my way there.
I remember sitting on the bed praying at my lowest. A bottle of cheap gin, impregnated with marinated blue jolly ranchers gripped tight.
“Lord(Master) Jesus(Yahawasha’), why am I here? Who am I?”, I wept.
“There has to be something better for me.”, I spoke in complete despair.
I don’t want to do this anymooore.”, I cried kicking my feet; slapping the bed. I sat slumped sulking and bawling into my hands.
I cried y’all and no one was there but YAHAWAH WA YAHAWASHA’ and THE RUACH HAQODESH.
“You just take over.”, I spoke allowed.
I could no longer bridle my tears that had manifested from an over-growth of nothingness.
I spoke to YAH, “My hands are off of my life. I am tired of going through these things. Please help me. Please just take it all away. I’m sooooo sorry. I will do better. I just want to be right.”
Finally my heart was emptied. My voice was heard. I went through the biggest change of my life in that room that day. It was hard facing the fact that, I was the once resigning champ. Shamed and brought low in my city on the forefront forall to hear and see. I was also, seemingly stuck here with this man and he didn’t even want me.
Truthfully, I’d known this for two years at least. I just couldn’t help being always a slave to my past. A mistake that almost cost me my life.
I was ignorant to the fact that in that motel room; YAH had nudged me onto the path to being found. I didn’t realize that HE had already introduced my deliverance to me. In more ways than one.
YAH had someone whom I needed to get to know and someone whom I needed to formally meet.
Thanks for listening y’all. There’s more to come. I pray that you indulge, learn, and vibe with We.