I saw your face again the other day. First, in the mirror over my sink then in the mirror hanging on my door. I tried blinking to make you go away, but your expression just got stronger. I fought to see my mother’s face, but your eyes stare just grew stronger. I sometimes shy away from looking at me. To keep from seeing you. The pictures I can put away. But this face, these feet, my hands, this color; they all sing of you.
I felt the stabbing pains again this morning. I sat outside until the sun had shown through. I miss you now.
At first, I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what to do. So, I called you. To hear your voice and I heard the reformed you. The one that I had prayed for so many nights; as a child pleading with YAH for your soul. Todah YAH for deliverance.
Usually, your police car would be just making it home. Dust from the driveway flying behind; meeting the break of day. My spot on the sofa is where I would wait. I wanted to make sure that you had made it home.
Now you’re gone. Something is not right. My heart is hardening to frozen stone. I want to be alone.
I want you home.
I have been sleeping on the couch again. Waiting all alone. I know you are not coming but my memories hear you come in. My soul can sense you.
The last week has been rough too. Only Abba knows what I’m gonna do. I missed you sometimes when you were here, but this longing is much too strong.
Daddy I just want you home. But you’re gone.
So, now I’m waiting for that fateful day. YAH’s promise to revive the valley of dry bones. I’m waiting for you to live again. I’m waiting to see you clap off beat, to dance heel scratches into the carpet and to sing your favorite song.
I will be there to take care of you. I’ll be waiting on a grassy hill, with my glove, a bat, and a bag off balls. Then we’ll talk. We will be friends again. I will be sure to fill you in on the things that happened while you were gone.
But now, I just want you home.
So many mornings you would say to me.
“Girl what you doing still up.”
“Nothing.”, I’d answer.
“Just watching t.v..”
Then you’d send me to bed. I was content. You were home again.
I wonder if you knew that I was really waiting for you to come home. Did you know that I was afraid for you? Even though you had your badge and your gun. I don’t know what’s happening, but I do know one thing. That I must keep going on.
Why did you give me this face? Though I love it. It wears what is tearing me. My eyes, my lips, my cheeks, my nose. I saw you staring back at me.
Now, I just want you home.
The people of your house don’t speak to me. Daddy they did me so wrong. When you left it is like there was no me. It seems that I was disowned. But YAH gave me Shälam and understanding of some things. He gave me his name for a strong tower to which I can run. So I run.
HE let me know that HE will be there for me. But you had to be taken home. That you cared for me always. Even though we did not always get along. He showed me you resting before you left. He is helping me to heal, remember, forgive and move on.
I understand a little. But, I still want you home.
I forgot that you died. I wanted to call you on the phone. But you can’t answer me. So now, all I hear is confusion and this pain. It digs into my heart and sometimes into my brain. Also, it somewhat weakens me. But I find balance in the thunder and rain. The sound helps me to maintain calm.
What do I do now? Why didn’t you come to see me? Why didn’t you let me come home to take care of you? Why did you not talk to me anymore?
I am righteous now. I know you were proud. Like I was proud of you. My hero. My coach. My hardest customer. My first master upon this Earth. I will honor you always. I hope you can forgive me for my dishonor and my wrong.
Soon I’ll Let go of you. But right now, I just want you home.